Chains

Chains. We all have them. Each and everyone of us has or has had something at some point that bound us and kept us from joy. This week I've been reminded over and over again how important it is to remember that joy and gratitude can overcome a multitude of fear. That has never been an easy concept for me, and I feel I will grapple with it forever. When we hit a low it is so easy to be engulfed in the dark that we tend to forget about the things that we have to be grateful for. 

This week was a difficult one for me on a very personal level. I made a decision long ago that had finally caught up with me and instead of facing it head on I tried to avoid it. Doing so only filled me with immense feelings of guilt and shame, and when I feel that overwhelming guilt and shame I am incredibly tempted to punish myself in some way. I slid backwards this week, and I'm not proud, but I learned some things along the way that I think are important.

Isolation is never a healthy way to deal with the hardships life throws at you. My punishment was to completely isolate myself from people that I convinced myself didn't want me around anyway. This was so far from the truth. When I finally allowed myself to open up to these people who have shown time and time again that they care for me, I realized I had the blessing of being surrounded by people I could be 100% real with. Our conversations were filled with raw emotion, and they reminded me that I have things to be grateful for even in the midst of my mistakes.

I have chains. Sometimes I feel like they're broken and disappear, and other times I feel like they have a way of finding their way back and coiling around my wrists. Y'all. Those are some of the loneliest times where I wish I could call for help, but also manage to feel stifled. Some of you know that last year was very difficult for me and I had a hard time pinpointing why. Things were unclear constantly and my moods were a roller coaster. People were worried, I isolated myself like I'm so good at. I was selfish with my time and my entire life spun out of control. I screamed for help, but was never able to communicate clearly exactly what I needed. I was in the dark and I started to let it consume my soul. Even though I was surrounded by so many people supporting me, it was one of the loneliest times in my life. 

When I had that difficult moment this week it scared me. But as I talked it out it got better. I heard a sermon today that solidified the new attitude I'm trying to adopt when it comes to dealing with my chains. I will continue to look for joy in the midst of my storms. I will use what I struggle with to show others the live I've been shown. I am stronger than I feel, and one bad day cannot and will not define me.

Part of our problem, I think, is the internal scars we try to push out of our minds. Old wounds have found a way of trying to come back. It aches. I try everything I can to make it go away. My past so often fills me with shame when those wounds try to resurface. My rape, depression, pushing my support away, the terrible thoughts I have had about myself. I let the memories and hurt and shame reconsume me. But no more. I refuse to let that set me back ever again. The past is the past and I am who I am because of it.

I write this not because I'm upset, but because I have realized that daily I need to start choosing joy to break free from my chains. I know there are others out there right now dealing with guilt, shame, a past and I tell you friends, it is going to be ok. You are loved, scars and all. The world wouldn't be quite the same without you and what you bring to it. You are more than your past. You are more than your guilt. You are more than your shame. 

Choose joy, sweet friends. Today let's all choose joy and remember what we can be grateful for. 

Limits

Limits.

We all have them, and sometimes we like to test them.

I'm learning right now that my limits need to be fine tuned and don't always match up with what I think I can tolerate. I've always had a larger than life attitude, and in turn have ignored limits. A girl like me doesn't have limits, right? Wrong. The past few months have brought so much change, struggle, and the knowledge that I have (and need to possess) limitations.

Having a "go, go, go" personality makes it really hard to place limits on yourself. I have a need to be in constant motion. So much so that I forget that I also need rest. There was a week during Christmas break where I scheduled something every day of the week. There was no break, there was no time to rest. Know what the outcome was? I had a complete mental breakdown. There were tears and frustration. My mom had to come stay with me. I was a complete mess. All because I didn't give myself a chance to rest. Dedicating a day out of my weekend where I don't feel obligated to get out of the house and do something is really hard for me, yet has become a necessity.  Sleeping 8+ hours a night is a feat I am trying to concur. More than 6 hours a night used to be pushing it, and I'm now realizing in order to function like a normal human being I need to force myself to sleep more. My body craves rest, yet my brain screams that I have to do more. I have physical limits. I need to start listening to what I need in order to thrive.

Emotional limits are also a thing. I've realized lately that I need to start drawing out some emotional boundaries. I am the type of person who hears the troubles and torment of another and will cry along with them. I will take on your emotional pain as if it were my own. Obsess over it. Pray over it. I'll even live it to a point. I learned the hard way that I cannot take on everyone else's emotional baggage.   I can still pray for you, I can still love you through your storms, but I have to build those boundaries too.  This lesson was learned the hard way when I let someone else's feelings dictate the kind of day I was going to have.  This person was so upset about something happening in their life and was telling me all about it while I listened intently trying to figure out how to help. I obsessed over this dilemma. I thought about it ceaselessly. It got to a point where I lost an entire day over this problem, only to have this friend figure it out for themselves in the meantime. I had become so transfixed on their problem that I couldn't see that it was turning into my problem when it never should have. There is no reason I couldn't walk alongside that person, but taking on their every emotion only turned me into a mess and made it impossible for me to be a help to anybody. You can't love other people well when you're spending 24 hours obsessing over how terrible their problem is.

I have never been one to have boundaries. I don't like building walls. I hate saying 'no'. Fortunately, though, I'm learning this lesson while I'm still young. I need to have boundaries. I need to limit myself.  It's ok to start saying no to opportunities. It's ok to start saying no to people. It's ok to say no to making plans, to taking on emotional baggage, and to exerting energy when my body is screaming at me to stop.  I cannot be the type of person I long to be if I can't start to learn that I have limits. I want to do my job well, I want to love the people around me well.  I want to be strong, and full of joy. The only way to do those things is with limits.

Limits don't have to be a negative thing. Boundaries are going.

Recognizing that you have limits is the healthiest thing you can do.

The Struggle of Being a Cooped Up Extrovert

First let me explain the new blog title. I am a hot mess. I embrace it, I laugh at it, I label myself as such. And that's ok. I also think my life is beautiful. A mess, but a beautiful mess. I don't want to call this blog Tales of a Survivor anymore, because I don't want to keep living in the shadow of my rape. I still deal with it, but for the most part it's in my past. I don't want to keep blogging only from a survivor perspective. I want to write about things that help you to see just ME for who I am on a daily basis. Sometimes I will post about my assault, because writing is therapeutic. But for now I'm moving slightly away from that.
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So let me get in to why I am writing tonight. Raise your hand if you're an extrovert that also needs rest, but hates being away from people, but needs a break from people, but doesn't want to be alone!  Just me? Once again, the cheese stands alone.  Y'all the struggle is so real on this very long, but much needed snow day.

First thing's first, I really needed this snow day yesterday when I was battling a stomach bug for the second time in less than a week. Who does that even happen to!? But of course it was perfect weather, and schools were still open. One day stuck in the house and in bed is one thing. It was great. I slept all day and watched Disney movies. It was the dream life. Today we have a snow day...ok, cool. Last year when I had snow days it wasn't terrible outside so I could go out to different places or at least walk around and be fine.  NOT TODAY! I watched out my bedroom window as cars slid down my unplowed, unsalted side road and thought, "this can't be good". I thought I could confine myself to my apartment, but an extrovert can only nap and watch movies for so long. I knew I wasn't going to be able to handle it two days in a row. I got up and thought I could at least take a walk. It wasn't sleeting at this point, so I should have been good to go, right?! Wrong. I had to take my trash to the dumpster first. Besides nearly dying walking down the steps outside that were coated in ice, my car slid everywhere on the extremely short trip to the next set of buildings where they hide the trash. That is when the reality of being stuck inside all day truly struck me and I panicked.

I have done everything a person can do. I binge-watched Netflix, I cleaned the apartment, played with the kitten, reorganized my bedroom, cooked everything I could think of and promptly put it all in the fridge because I'm afraid to eat anything other than crackers, read for a couple of hours. And I'm still BORED OUT OF MY MIND. I am crawling out of my skin. I crave human interaction, people! I love snow days and I am so thankful I didn't have to go to work today. But from now on I'm going to be a little more specific in my snow day prayers.  They're going to sound a lot like "Lord, please let it snow so that I don't have to work. But don't make it snow too much because I still want my friends to come over and eat Chipotle and watch movies. I just don't want to work. But I still want people. Thank you Amen."

Think it'll work? Am I being too picky? I love my snow days, but I do terribly on my own. Some of you will remember the great Twitter-fest of 2014 during the February ice storms we had. I tweeted about every crazy thought I had including a stinkbug I found, what I would do if I had a pet kangaroo, and my thoughts on how and why butter was invented. I do best when I am allowed to be near people. Not even having to do or say anything, just someone else's presence can make me feel completely calm.  I often wonder why God wired me like that, because it makes some days and experiences really frustrating and difficult.

I am the type of person that constantly craves human interaction, but needs her space, alone time, and rest. It's so strange to me to need all of those things and so desperately want them all at the exact same time.  It's impossible to rest and have alone time surrounded by people, yet in a perfect dream world that's exactly what I would be able to do. If anyone can figure out how that's possible, let me know.

Right now I am so tempted to just run to the house next door (or, rather, slide to the house next door) and ask to be friends so I have people to hang out with instead of being cooped up and unable to go anywhere. Anyone who has heard me complain about those neighbors knows that is a completely desperate thought.

How do you extroverts deal with going stir crazy!?