Life: Transformed

Hi, my name is Kayleigh and I have been panic attack free for 3 months.

Do you hear that!? 3 months! Praise the Lord!

I never thought in a million years that I would ever be able to say I had gone any significant period of time without a panic attack. It is incredible.

I have been thinking about last year for the past few days. At this moment last year I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, was having multiple panic attacks a day. I was a hot mess. Passing out, getting sick, being driven to urgent care, taking an ambulance to the ER. I cried a lot, I apologized a lot, and I finally convinced myself that I had fallen apart so much that I would never be pieced back together.

In the words of Justin Bieber..."I will never say neveeeeeer".

I made it an entire year, and the way my life has transformed is something I never could have imagined. It is truly amazing. I won't lie and say it was easy...it was difficult. It hurts. You purge a lot, and you learn a lot. Sometimes your emotions are overwhelming, and sometimes you feel nothing at all. It is very easy to want to give up. I wanted to so many times.

However, the end result is so worth it. Look at me! I am in such a good place right now. I don't sweat dumb stuff (ok that's not completely true...I handle it a lot better than I used to) and I look forward to each day. I don't dread my life anymore. I embrace it and I move forward and I try and take advantage of each day. I couldn't have gotten to that point without the help of so many. Even my family, who I kind of deserted there for a while. When I was ready, I came back. And they welcomed me back like I had never left. That is the kind of love I wish everyone could experience in their life. That is the kind of love I hope to shower onto others.

Next week is the 3 year anniversary. I have amazing friends who have offered to talk, stay over, eat food. All so that I can get through that crazy day. You know what? I am very blessed with wonderful friends.

I do not dread next week. Will it be difficult? Maybe. Probably. Will it hurt? I don't know that the pain will be as severe as it's been. I feel like it will be more of a sting. Manageable. Present, but manageable. Much easier than it has been in the past.

And in return of the last year, I am trying to show how grateful I am to each person who played a role in getting me through the past year. The way I choose to deal with my emotions this time around is to show everyone in my life that I love them dearly and that I would never have made it this far had it not been for their love, patience, and hope.

I look forward to an even better year.

Spring Break, Perspective, and April Oh My!

Sometimes it takes an outsider to put things into perspective for us. My family and the friends who have been dragged through this trial since the beginning can tell me the same thing, but it doesn't always sink in like it does when someone who came in partway, or has no clue, says it.

This past week was Spring Break and it was spent visiting my family with Amy and Lauren in tow. Our first day there we were talking with my family when someone brought up a person we know who had told me when I was a senior in high school that if I went away for college I would get raped and murdered. 1) Who even says that? 2) I am not the type of person who listens to that kind of thing and lets it stop her. I had a dream, and I was going to pursue it. When I was telling this story, Amy goes, "well at least you're still alive!" and we all laughed. But after I laughed I really thought about it. Talk about having things put into perspective for you. I am alive! I am accomplishing things I had never dreamed of, I have friends I never expected to have, and I have many life experiences under my belt that, had someone asked if I wanted them I would have said heck to the no. Through those experiences though I have been able to do so much and meet some incredible people. I am not saying that if I could have a redo I would choose to be raped and harrassed and basically shunned by my community of friends, however I am grateful that I went through such a trial. There's a difference. Please do not get those two things confused. Non-consensual sex is bad. It makes a mess and many times ends lives. I have been fortunate enough to have crawled out of the pit of despair that engulfs many of us after an event like that, and have found my voice once again. I don't know that my voice really makes all that much of a difference, if I had it my way my voice would cause sexual assault to completely cease to exist, but I do hope that someone somewhere has heard my words and been able to feel a little less alone. It took my best friend saying "at least you're still alive!" and basically everyone saying "one out of two ain't bad!" and a lot of laughter for me to realize that I better be grateful I'm still alive! I've been given a second chance, and not many of us are. I want to seize that second chance and do something bigger than I ever imagined. I don't know what that something is. For now it's blogging about my experiences, giving hugs, trying to be kind when I least feel like it...and maybe someday those small acts will turn into big acts and those big acts will turn into a difference.

A few days after we had this conversation we were watching one of those late night talk shows with my grandma when a guy who looked like my rapist was on screen. I said, "That looks just like______________" and walked out of the room. Keeping in mind my new outlook I only left for about a minute and used that minute to plug in my phone and remind myself not to let him or what he did to me control me. That part of my life is over. I was so proud of myself. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

I also have come to the conclusion that I never want to take my life for granted. If I am close with you prepare yourself to have me tell you I love you without a second thought, to get a hug once in a while, to hear about how grateful I am for your friendship and for me to try to be better at being a friend. If I were to die tomorrow I wouldn't want there to be any question about how much I love and appreciate the people in my life. I want people to be able to know in their heart that I was so grateful for their presence in my life. You've all been put in my path for different reasons, and I will always be thankful...especially for those who have gone through the craziest parts of life with me.

One last thing...April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. Last year I urged everyone to donate to RAINN which is a wonderful organization who has helped countless rape survivors, including myself. This year I am asking you all for something a little different. In honor of all of those who have gone through sexual assault, whether they have survived or not, I want you to seize the day. Go out of your way to do something nice for someone. Let someone know that no matter what they go through, you will be there for them. Hug someone. Tell someone you love them. Listen with an open heart, love with no restrictions. Raise awareness for any cause (but this month especially sexual assault awareness). I still urge you to donate to RAINN, but I feel like we can all truly make even more of a difference if we just start treating people with kindness.

Also please enjoy this picture of me holding a ferocious chick, facing my fears...seizing the day....internally freaking out and looking darned cute doing it.