Blossoming Despite Many Trials

You know what? There are some people  in the world I feel really sorry for.  They are miserable. They don't know how to find joy in simple things, don't know how to laugh at themselves, don't know how talented and precious and wonderful they are, and they don't know Jesus.

I know all of those things. I didn't always know them.

But I learned.

If I hadn't learned all of those things, I wouldn't be at a place today that I am finally comfortable in.  I finally feel right in my own skin.  I've realized that the people who I've been hurt by don't deserve my bitterness. They instead deserve my forgiveness.  I feel bad for them.  I pity my rapist. What a tough life it must be to take something so precious as a sense of security away from someone just so you can feel something.  I don't hate him. I'm not even angry.  And I may even go as far as to say that I'm grateful to an extent that I had to go through such a trial.  I would not have gained the knowledge and confidence and strength that I finally possess had it not been for that night.  I'm grateful for the people who cheered me on and encouraged me as I began to stand on my own two feet again.

In some ways 2 years ago, I reverted back to a child.  The other day a child at school told me that Lauren told them "She's a 7 year old trapped in a woman's body!"  I laughed so hard! Everyone who truly knows me knows that I am just a big kid at heart. I am immature, and I still like to color and I would pick a birthday at Chuck E. Cheese over a birthday at some fancy restaurant any day.  However, the childlike qualities I have possessed for the past 2 years were not the fun qualities.  I whined incessantly.  I needed constant attention and supervision.  I couldn't be left by myself for certain periods of time.  I needed people desperately.  That wasn't a big deal at first, but then I got used to it.  And once I got used to it, I couldn't handle when people would back off and give me space.  People were willing to stick it out and support me at first, but as time went on I became a more difficult person to deal with.  I don't blame any of my old friends for walking away.  Really it was a good thing, because it proved to all involved that those specific friendships were not solid, they weren't true, and they would never survive time.

I am thankful for the friends I have now.  They have proven to me that you can care about someone as if they're blood, even when they aren't.  I have learned what true friendship is and I have learned that I love them a lot.  They saw me at my worst and didn't run away.  Instead they did what they could to help me feel better. They worried about me, they prayed for me, they didn't get upset when I would call them crying over things that now seem silly.  They drove me back and forth to work and doctors appointments, forced me to eat when I would have rather withered away and disappeared.

And they helped me learn about myself again.

I remember telling someone about a month ago "I am so sick of being needy." And her response? "Well then stop." I laughed and thought "is this woman crazy?" She wasn't.  Because the next day I decided that I was going to do what I needed to do without worrying about pleasing everyone else. Making people like me no longer took priority. It worked.

I gained back some independence.  I learned that I like who I am, and I need to be happy with my life. I've only got one shot at this life and I am going to do everything I can to make it a good one.  Simple things bring happiness into my heart. I feel like a human again. I know that I cannot expect perfection.  I know there will be times where certain events will pop into my brain and I might cry, or feel upset.  But I am just so glad I'm not focusing on it anymore.

I am stronger.  I went through one of the worst traumas I can imagine, and I came out ok. I was broken for a while, but I slowly was (and still am) being put back together and that girl ended up being way cooler than the original.  Honestly, if I could survive sexual assault and the past two years of coping with that assault, then I can conquer anything.

I am really just enjoying everything so much right now. God has surrounded me with wonderful people, and He continues to teach me to be content in what He's given.

Life is fun.  I'm overjoyed to be alive!

I also want to take the time to mention that if you ever have questions about what I've been through you can always ask.  A few of you have sent messages asking about things and have said "I don't want this to upset you, don't answer if you don't want to." I always want to answer! Don't ever feel nervous about talking to me about my assault.  A few months ago I may have had a different attitude about how everything had turned out, but now that has changed.  I would love to talk about it with any of you...it was a tough time, but I'm alright.  And I hope that someone someday sees this whole blog and can see how you can move from rock bottom to on top of the world with time and healing and support.

I do have a favor to ask all of you.  I want you to pray (and if you aren't religious go ahead and send good thoughts).  I don't ask that you pray for me, I ask that you pray for the women who are being assaulted as we speak.  Someone in the U.S. is raped every 2 minutes.  Pray that these women will be able to fight through the many difficulties that come with being a survivor and that they find a healthy support system that works for them.

And to end this post, I leave you with a cute picture of me feeding a cute calf. ;)

Help Me

This post is most definitely not going to be all unicorns and rainbows. I wanted it to be, but I heard some very ignorant people have a conversation about rape in the middle of Wendy's and I am feeling some sort of way.  I know it's a topic people are not 100% comfortable with. I know it's a topic most people don't know enough about.  But good gravy I think it's about time someone speaks up, and if that person has to be me then so be it. 

I was raped. It sucked.

I am still trying to recover. Guess what? Recovery sucks more than the assault itself. 

I don't find rape jokes funny and I don't appreciate when you throw around the word "rape" when things don't go your way.  Someone shortchanging you does not equal what happened to me. The dictionary definition of rape is "to force to have sexual intercourse."  I am so SICK of hearing that word used to describe anything other than the definition I just gave you.  Do you know for the longest time I couldn't hear or use that word without wanting to vomit?  I saw several packs of grape things at Walmart once and my brain refused to read the g in grape.  It was like the universe wanted to remind me of my assault. It was terrible. 

Stop saying "she deserves to get raped" or "well when she ends up getting raped she shouldn't come crying to me..."  You are a terrible person if you say either of those things. Plain and simple. Nobody deserves to be violated in such a way. I don't care how horribly you treat people, you don't deserve for someone to abuse your body so they can feel some sick sense of control. And if whomever you are referring does happen to get raped, she should have someone she can go cry to.  No one should ever have to feel like they need to hide what has happened to them.

The way people brush off sexual assault is sickening. 

Why, as a society, are we accepting this as a norm? 

Why isn't anyone DOING anything about it?

You know, I see things all of the time about Americans going overseas and commenting on the issue of rape in other countries.  

What about our own country?

I am not trying to downplay the issue of rape at all. I feel that it is an issue this entire world is dealing with, and I am not saying that any woman should have to go through it. I don't care where they live. It's wrong.

But have you ever noticed that people as a whole are increasingly outraged by instances of rape in other countries, especially countries where we already perceive that women are oppressed? Yet, when a teenage girl who was drinking at a high school party and taken advantage of, everyone is quick to question. Why was she drinking? She should have known better. 

Hypocrites. Like you have never made a poor choice in your life. Based on your poor choices, do you deserve to be murdered? Do you deserve to be raped? Most of you are reading this thinking "well of course not!" like it's a given. 

Start acting like it. 

A 20 year old girl should not feel ashamed that she kissed a guy at a party, or that she drank too much.  She shouldn't be harassed because she made a mistake that led to a guy attacking her. Why are we allowing this kind of thinking!?

Think of your mothers, daughters, aunts, cousins, sisters, best friends....

How would you feel if someone took away their power to decide what to do with their bodies? Would you desert them and ridicule them? Or would you be one of the few who decided to stand up and do something about it?

We cannot sit by while so many beautiful, young girls are taking their lives. Rehtaeh Parsons, Cherice Moralez, Audrey Potts.  These girls were harassed and disappointed and so deep in inner turmoil that they couldn't take it anymore. All because someone wanted to feel a sense of control.  These beautiful young women had so much to offer this world. They were loved.  They were daughters and sisters and friends.  People miss them. People are left in pain.  

Rape does not only affect the victim.  It affects everyone who cares about the victim. 

After I was raped my entire family changed. My friendships changed. Some for the better, some for the worse. I have friends who I've caught at times taking on my pain. They hurt for me when I can't feel anymore. When I am numb, they are anything but.  

Two hours changed my life and the life of the people around me. 

A few choices changed my world forever. I can never get back what was taken from me. My sense of security is gone, and the girl I was before my assault is gone forever. I used to complain that I wish the old me would come back.  I was wrong to want that. 

The Kayleigh that has formed since her rape is a strong person.  I did not get there on my own at all. It took a lot of people.  My family, my friends, God. They all helped me get to a point where I decided enough is enough.  I am not going to sit and watch the world pass me by.  I will not wallow in self pity. The women of this world need a voice. 

I want to try and be that voice. At least for some of you.  If just ONE of you listens to what I have to say I will have succeeded in my efforts. 

Here are some things we need to do:

1. Stop asking women what they were wearing or what they were doing prior to their assault. It's none of your damn business. The girl wearing a turtleneck has just as much a chance of being raped as the girl with the low cut shirt. Stop being ridiculous. Stop victim blaming.

2. When a girl tells you she's been raped the first words out of your mouth should be "what can I do to help you".  Nothing else. Keep your mouth shut until she responds. Maybe she just wants you to listen. And that's what you'll do dang it. 

3. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR RAPISTS.  We are a disgusting people who put more value on sports and how rape accusations will affect the rapists than we do on the effects on the victim. Steubenville is a great example. Another example is the Daisy Coleman case in Maryville, Missouri. 

4. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Seriously. So much pain can be avoided if people just kept their negativity to themselves. 

5. We need to start recognizing male survivors as well. Just because they are men does not mean they cannot be forced or coerced into unwanted sexual activity. Don't be ignorant. 

6. START SPREADING THE WORD. Sitting here reading my blog is not going to help. Do I want you to read it? Yeah. But don't just SIT THERE. Donate to RAINN or to Project Unbreakable. Find ways to volunteer to help survivors in your community. Talk about rape.

Talk about rape. 

Stop allowing people to continue to whisper about this epidemic like it's an untouchable subject. We need to fight! We need to fight for each other. Fight for your sons and daughters. Your mothers and grandmothers. Your wives, your aunts. Your sisters, your cousins, your best friends, your coworkers. Let the world know you won't stand for it anymore!

Reading an article about a rape case and thinking "oh my gosh that's horrible" is not going to help anything. 

Do something, anything.  Share my words, share the words of other. Use social media to spread the word.....people don't want to know what kind of jelly you had on your PB&J today....they want to know what you're passionate about. They NEED to know what you stand for. 

We can stop this. If we all work together we can stop this. We can give survivors a voice. 

All I need you to do is believe that your voice is important. That your opinion matters.  Don't do it for me....do it for the people you surround yourself with. 

But please, I beg you, do something. Stop this. 

Help me fix this.