Monday, March 25, 2013

Some Nights

I was supposed to go on a date this week.

I cancelled.

Apparently I am not ready to date.  Apparently I have not been ready for the past 2 years. Apparently every time I like someone and don't do anything about it I'm stupid.

Next person to call me stupid over something like that is a)no longer my friend/family and b)disowned forever.  I am dead serious. Don't you dare judge how I handle relationships when you haven't walked a mile in my shoes.  Get raped by someone you just met and then see how comfortable you feel meeting new people.  It literally makes me sick to my stomach.  I panic and I can't help that.  If you know everything there is to know about everything feel free to intervene. If you don't then I suggest you stay out of it.

No matter how I've met people I've been judged for it.  I tried the online thing;freaked out. I tried meeting friends of friends;panicked.  Honestly I don't have that many friends to begin with, so going that route doesn't necessarily work. I think I consistently talk to and hang out with 3 people. Funny how when you decide to open up (i.e. my blog) people will go online and talk about how brave you are, how proud of you they are....but they  make no effort to keep your friendship going. (By the way, I am so done with those people.)

It doesn't help either that I even have this blog. People are going to see it eventually. I dread finally dating someone and then having to explain all of this mess. Some days I don't even know why I keep the stupid thing.  Who is going to read all of this and think "wow she's such a great girl, I want to keep her around!"? I have so much stinkin' baggage I wouldn't be surprised if guys ran away screaming.

I'm going to go buy about 10 more Mufasas and become a crazy rabbit lady. That's pretty safe.  I am just so not feeling it tonight at all and I am so aggravated.  I will tell you right now...I am going to sit here and feel sorry for myself, I'm going to cry, and I'm going to switch between being sad and being angry. 

If that's something that you think is ridiculous then you need to have no part of this blog anymore. This is my space to vent. Venting in person usually falls flat since people don't typically understand.

Anyway. This post may disappear by tomorrow morning :) for now I'm going to sleep.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

When I Was a Little Peanut Walking Down the Street

When something bad happens, I tend to laugh or make jokes. It's like that line from that one Barenaked Ladies song One Week...."I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral." That's me, I'm that girl.  It's not that I necessarily find anything humorous, it's just that I'm uncomfortable so I want something I'm comfortable with which is laughter.  When I sprained my ankle my junior year and everyone stood around me in a circle, I laughed.  When a friend of mine died in middle school I cracked jokes to cheer up my friends because I was uncomfortable showing how torn to pieces I was. When I slept through my English midterm sophomore year I made jokes about it even though I had sobbed about it on the phone, and still wanted to cry days later. When Mom was visiting last week we were talking about all of the crap I'd been through and suddenly I remembered some of the ridiculous stuff that was said right after I was raped.  And by right after I'm talking literally the day after  and later....

Please understand that this is pretty much how my entire family deals with pain. 

So my assault happened early morning on May 6th and I went to the hospital that night and didn't get home til the next morning (the 7th) at around 8.  I went right to sleep and called my mom when I woke up.  I told her about everything that had been done at the hospital and I remember saying "well the nurse felt bad and gave me a bunch of jolly ranchers." What were the words flying out of my mother's mouth? "GEEZ! If you wanted Jolly Ranchers you didn't have to go through all this nonsense, I would have gone out and bought you a freakin' bag of Jolly Ranchers!" Some people right now have read this and are getting mad at my mom. Shut up. I was laughing so hard my roommate had to come outside and see what my problem was.  A comment like that was exactly what I needed. I needed a joke. I needed some normalcy!

About a week later when I was back in NY I was standing in the kitchen with my parents and I looked at my dad and said, "Hey Daddy wanna hear a funny joke?" He said sure and I proceeded with what I thought was a pretty great joke.  "Two peanuts were walking down the street....one was A SALTED HAHAHA GET IT A-SALTED?" I busted out laughing, mom was laughing so hard she was in tears, and Daddy looked liked he wanted to beat me with the spatula in his hand that he was using to flip pancakes. My bad. I just wanted something to laugh at since bouts of laughter were few and far between those days.

When me and mom were talking about this at Biscuitville last week she said, "speaking of....remember when you were a little peanut walking down the street and..." She didn't even get to finish her thought I was laughing so hard. From now on when I talk to people I know well in person I'm not saying "when I was raped" or "when I was attacked". From now on it's gonna be "well when I was a peanut walking down the street".

I'm not trying to say that what happened to me doesn't matter. It absolutely matters. What happened that night has driven most of my decisions for the past 2 years (jiminy crickets, can you believe it's almost been 2 whole years!? Time sure flies when you're having fun? Or ending up in loony bins :) ) I refuse, though, to let it stop me from laughing and smiling. That's how I mask the pain. That's how I deal with it. If that's something people take offense to then they have no reason to stay a part of my life and that's how I honestly feel about it.

Also please don't forget to donate to my RAINN page y'all! Thanks to Lisa for donating :)  If you guys have some extra dough in your pockets I urge you to donate whatever you can. My deadline is end of April and I want to raise as much money as possible for this organization. If it hadn't been for their hotlines and resources I wouldn't be alive and bloggin' today!  Here's the link in case you forgot:http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/kconnell

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Imma Make It RAINN

I'm still waiting to hear from RAINN about my Speakers Bureau application.  In the meantime, I've been coming up with other ways to raise awareness and support for survivors.  I decided that one of those ways is to raise some moolah for RAINN.

This organization is really important to me. The resources they have given me personally have given me help beyond expectation.  The assault hotline got me through many a night when I thought the entire world was hopeless.  The people I have interacted with on the other end of the phone have always been helpful and given me so much hope.

RAINN does not just provide hotlines, they provide several resources for victims and promote awareness and understanding.

Here is the link to my donation page: http://rainnmakers.rainn.org/kconnell

My goal is to raise $500 for this organization by April 30th.  The month of April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and I think it would be great to donate as much as possible to RAINN by the end of that month.

This organization is so special to me, and it would mean so much if you could donate whatever you can. :)