Emotions

Emotions are the actual worst.

My emotions tend to really screw things up for me. I feel too much, too intensely, and too often. When I "feel" I feel deeply. Almost too deeply. Every emotion hits me at once and I can't seem to manipulate my reactions to it. People have told me that don't understand why I react to certain situations in certain ways. You guys don't understand. When things happen, I have the most overwhelming feelings washing over me and it's almost as if I have no control over them. Like today, for instance, I had a student tell me he loved me (after he threw a fit). I had been working so hard to get him to a place where he would be respectful and self disciplined. Literally all he said was "I'm sorry. I love you so much." I was so excited that we'd had a teeny weeny breakthrough that I literally broke down into tears. Most people may feel a small burst of pride...not me. The floodgates were opened and I was a mess and no one seemed able to understand it.

When I mess up, I know I've messed up. I beat myself to a pulp over it, I overanalyze everything I said and did. When I'm angry at someone I get so upset that I cry. Not because they've pissed me off that much, but because I suddenly fear that any bit of friendship that was there will magically disappear. When I'm sad I sink into a state of comatose. I am paralyzed by my grief, even if only over the smallest thing. I will find myself in moments of sorrow so intense that I literally cannot move. People move around me in a blur and I can't make out the words they're saying.

It truly pains me to be like this. Contrary to popular belief, I do not enjoy the overpowering emotions I have that mute any good quality I possess.  It's not a drama queen thing, it's an extremely sensitive human thing.

One of the biggest things I've been struggling with as of late is being told by several people that I have no reason to feel the way I do. I've been getting upset lately, and for the first time in a long time I've actually found my voice and approached those issues head on. I don't think that people are used to me addressing them full force when I get upset. Typically I convince myself that I was fully at fault and that there is nothing that needs to be addressed. However I have come to realize that that is a self destructive mindset and does nothing to help me process my emotions. It also eventually catches up with me and causes me to feel a lot of resentment towards the person I feel has wronged me. I blame this completely on the fact that I don't allow myself to process what I'm feeling. I don't deal with it right away and let it eat me alive until one day I finally explode. And when I do explode it's usually met with a "what's her problem?"  That's because the most trivial circumstances are usually what tips the scale.

I am vowing to start dealing with problems as the arise. Even if it seems simple to you and foolish, please don't downplay what I feel. I have been hurt and taken advantage of so many times in the past that a lot of simple and foolish things bring long repressed feelings to the surface and make it nearly unbearable to function until I can confront them.

If you are a true friend, please just be there for me. Please just help me work through it. Don't tell me I'm crazy or have a bad temper or have no reason to be upset. Obviously if I'm upset it's for a reason...but maybe it's just not for whatever caused the reaction. I know I have a bad temper, and I'm working on it. I feel like feeling anger isn't a problem, but letting it control us and determine our actions is.

Be a friend. Help me process. Let me hug you. Most importantly, pray for me. This emotion stuff is causing me to go through a lot of other things within a lot of friendships and I feel like it's all hit me at once. It's overwhelming and difficult to deal with in a lump like this. I'm trying to be a better person for these people, at the same time acknowledging my feelings, and also trying to make people happy at the same time. Navigating this period of my life is really hard and the struggle is real. Feeling so much is almost too much to bear.

Emotions are a funny thing. Without them we would be nothing, but sometimes they can be too much.

Circle Round There Is No End...That's How Long I Want to Be Your Friend

Before I even get into the meat of this blog I just have to tell the best story ever. So back in my UNCG days I was friends with this girl Cassy. Cassy hated me at first...like really hated me. I guess I can see now why she did. We worked together and I was in a leadership position and had to enforce a lot of stuff. I also think that at age 19 I wasn't quite ready to handle all of that responsibility and didn't do the greatest job leading. I was like a bubbly, annoying dictator. Anyway one night we had to sit our team down for a pow wow when one of the girls just verbally let me have it. Everyone stared in shock and I fought back tears as we continued our meeting. At the end of this meeting Cassy came up and gave me a hug and we quickly became good friends. Such good friends that she was the first person I called when I was raped, the person who came right to my apartment and drove me to the hospital. Unfortunately, as time went on I was terrible at keeping up with people. As of last Sunday I had not seen her in 3 years or talked to her in at least 2. Suddenly at church I look to the other side of the room and see her. My jaw dropped and I quickly texted her to inform her she had been spotted. I went and said hey after the service but didn't really speak with her much. I was so excited that I had seen her that I decided to reach out to her that night to see if we could get together and catch up. So we had dinner Friday and it was so great it's like our friendship was renewed! And we're both still a couple of weirdos. We were talking about my church and I am about to quote her on the best thing she said all night. She said, "I mean I like it, I just kind of get uncomfortable when everybody sings because I don't know the words....also I don't like karaoke." I laughed so hard I cried and people stared. I couldn't help it! I'd never heard anyone refer to worship as karaoke! #dead
Anyway I promised her she'd make it into my newest blog, and I am just so happy we're friends agaaaaain!!!!

That was a good segway into my post because I'm going to talk about relationships. Friends, family, significant others...I'm sure they could all fit under what I'm about to say.

Relationships are hard.

Yup. I said it. They are difficult. Keeping up a friendship is HARD. Keeping up with family is HARD. And I'm sure keeping up with a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife is HARD but I have no experience with that so I won't discuss it. Instead I want to focus on friendships. Because they're difficult. And people don't seem to like to admit that.

I love my friends. I love having friends. I love becoming friends with new people. But I am a selfish friend. I like being assured that my friends are truly my friends and care about me. I like knowing that I can call someone about my problems, or about the weird encounter at the Verizon store, or about how I just know so and so is out to get me, or about the weird thing on my face that's like a weird cross between a bug bite and a zit....you get the point. I like hanging out with my friends and trying to talk to ALL of them on a daily basis. But I get sick of being the one always reaching out. And that is where I have run into some trouble.

I expect everyone to be like me. I expect everyone to show love the same way I do. If I hug you and you don't hug me back with the same amount of enthusiasm, I feel hurt. If I text you and you never respond, I feel forgotten. If I come to you with what I think is a problem and you brush it off or don't react the way I want you to, I feel like you're judging me. Not everyone is like me. Trust me I am by no means perfect....I have extremely rough edges. But unfortunately for me I didn't realize that until recently. What did I realize?

I am not a very good friend.

I talk, but I don't listen. I care, but not enough. I love, but not in all the right ways. I try to make plans, but it's because I feel lonely and need company, not because I know you had a rough day and could use some coffee.

I am selfish. I get hurt too easily. I don't express my feelings well verbally. 

That last one is a huge problem for me. I can tell you how I feel very well when writing my thoughts out. But if you expect me to tell you in person, forget it. I avoid eye contact and get extremely uncomfortable. I get embarrassed that I felt any way at all. You know what I realized? It's because I know that I could have done better, and I'm afraid of losing people.

I've realized the true value of friendships the past few weeks, right when I feared that I was about to lose 2 very important ones to me. I've learned it's not always about me, 24/7. Sometimes people we care about have things going on too, and they deserve to be heard. I've learned that sometimes I guess I can tend to love too hard. Sometimes I expect too much from people. Sometimes I don't explain how I feel very well, and important things get lost in the confusion.

I have made some resolutions for my friendships since about a week ago. I am now trying harder to show an interest in my friends' lives. It's not that I wasn't interested before...I would just get sidetracked by the things that were happening in my own life. I am going to force myself to be verbal. I am going to try really hard to actually speak to people about everything I need/want to talk to them about. When I have questions I will ask them...in person not always via text and email. And I won't be embarrassed by it. And I won't allow anyone or anything to make me feel stupid for asking them. (Ok maybe I will be a little bit, but I'm going to try to at least mask it.) I will tell people if I'm feeling hurt and own my feelings. Because if I can't do that, what's the point of bringing them up in the first place? I will be a better listener. I will try to stop taking things so personally.  I'm going to try really hard to stop being so selfish.

Friendships are important. At this point they are vital to my survival on earth...that's a fact I have to accept. I am a very relational person. I need people. Other people bring me joy and energy and that's something I love. I just have to be better at being there for other people.

What kind of friend will you be this week?