My original thought was that I'd write a happy post this week about how wonderfully my new job is going, but this is much more important. As most of you have already read, Robin Williams was found dead this afternoon from an apparent suicide. Now I am not normally one to get overly upset about celebrity deaths, but this one truly cut me to the core. Mrs. Doubtfire, Jumanji, Aladdin, Flubber, Hook....these were all childhood staples. That man has had me laughing and dreaming since I was a little bitty thing, and after hearing this news I felt like I really needed to readdress depression on this blog. Depression is an illness that will never disappear from this earth, and we need to become more aware of it.
Unless you're brand new to this blog, you know that I have struggled with severe depression for the last 3 years, which was one of the after effects of the rape I was a victim of in college. Some of you also may or may not know that I struggled with mild depression during my freshman year of college. I remember so many times that I have confided in people where they expressed disbelief because "you're so happy all of the time!" and "you have nothing to be depressed about." It is so important to understand that we do not choose depression. Depression finds us and envelopes it with it's dark, icy embrace.
Depression is a chemical imbalance. It can also be caused by stressful events, medication, faulty mood regulation, and genetics. Depression is not as simple as sadness. We cannot take one emotion and slap it onto the word depression, thinking that it explains everything. The dictionary definition of depression in the psychiatric sense:
a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than thatwarranted by any objective reason. (dictionary.com)
You aren't just sad. You have no sense of purpose, no sense of self worth. You go through long stretches of time where it's easier to remain hidden in your home, than face the world. Just because someone seems to be outwardly happy, doesn't mean they aren't battling internal demons.
I always pictured my depression as a black speck. Most of the time that speck stays hidden way in the back of my noggin. I rarely think about it. But then, something will trigger that speck and it starts to expand. Imagine like an oil spill in the sea....it starts to seep into every crevice of my brain. It takes over and negates every positive thought, every urge to succeed. It whispers to me that I would be better off alone. That no one cares. That I am worth nothing. That I am a burden. That I am useless. Unwanted. And my brain doesn't have the proper equipment to fight it off.
My brain also cannot produce effective ways to cry out for help, because it feels like it (I) doesn't deserve help. Inside I know I desperately want someone to reach out, offer a word of encouragement, help me fix my brain. I just don't know how. And I truly believe that that is the point where many people give up and decide they cannot take it anymore. Life is too hard, it isn't worth the fight, and even if it was worth it they wouldn't know how to fight anyway. Oh, how many times I've felt this! My story, however, is different. I am blessed beyond measure. I have been surrounded by people who are extremely intuitive, who know me and care about me more than I could ever fathom. They've seen the red flags, and instead of letting it go, they jumped onto the problem and did what they could to help. Medications and therapy are what have always gotten me through.
I am not saying there is always a way to "fix" it. Sometimes medicine doesn't work. Sometimes therapy makes it worse by bringing a lot of muck to the surface. I do think, though, that if we all made ourselves more aware of the warning signs we could make a difference. I think if we approached the topic of depression and mental illness in general, in a more meaningful way, that we could bring about a lot of change.
People who commit suicide are not selfish. Often they belief in their heart of hearts that they are doing what is best for their loved ones, that they are relieving a burden. Yes, death often hurts those around us more than anything we could do in our lives, but when you are struggling with severe depression you don't have the resources to realize that. I remember hearing of a suicide back in December and was ashamed to know the people who claimed this individual was heartless and selfish and that they were disgusted. They weren't selfish and heartless. They were sick. A disease of the brain should not be treated any differently than a disease of the heart.
Stop treating mental illness like it isn't valid. Keep an eye out for the warning signs. The happiest people have often times suffered the most.
Love eachother. Understand eachother.
Most importantly, let us not allow our misconceptions to prevent us from enhancing and possibly saving a life.
Tragedy can so many times be prevented.
Step up.
